Feeling better

Feeling a lot more positive today, but quite fragile.  Got a lot done.  The evening is definitely the hardest part.  I'm tired, but how do I unwind when I feel this tired but can't go to bed outrageously early!

Back again

So, I had success, I had failure.  Life got in the way and my last attempt didn't last.  I'm still not comfortable blogging, and it seemed like everyone else was succeeding.
I'm giving it all another go.  I'm scared, feeling down and alone in my quest.  Seeing the determination of  other bloggers when they've hit a hurdle has given me the will to try again, so here goes.

Day 9

Can't believe it's day 9!  Feel absolutely exhausted, even first thing in the morning.  Had to go to bed ridiculously  early last night.  It's a bit like flu without the fever.  Hopefully this will pass soon.  Onwards and upwards.

Day 6

Still here. Had planned to blog every day, but life is busy and I'm exhausted by the evening.  So I'm getting in early today.  Went for a family meal on Friday night.  I didnt drink, but felt fidgety and tired.
The sun's up.  I've got a lot to do to day, but drinking alcohol is not part of it.

Day 3

I would have caved last night if I hadn't restarted my blog, but being accountable stopped me.  At lunchtime, out of nowhere, my mind looked forward to an evening drink.  Had to supress that feeling hard.  In the evening went for a walk and got back late enough to decide that an early bed was what I needed.
Didn't sleep well and felt exhausted and not great this morning, but forced myself up. Went for a walk in the sunshine. Heard a woodpecker and felt a cool breeze on my skin.  Oh so happy not to have had a drink last night!
I heard an interview this morning with the footballer Tony Adams, who had a well-documented struggle with alcohol, but has now been sober for 21 years.  The interviewer asked him if it was still hard if he went out with friends to dinner if they were having wine.  Of course it was not, it was different now.  To me this brought up the widely held view that giving up alcohol will be a daily battle for the rest of your life.  I'm happy to know from the blogs that I read, that it is tough, but in time the rewards will outweigh the cravings.
Staying strong on day 3

Day 2

Nothing earth-shattering to report, just a strong resolve (not those hangover medications, the other type) to get back on track. Exercise programme sorted and green smoothie as I type this. Feeling better already!

Day 1

So it all went pear-shaped. I was doing well, being strong when things were tough. I've been super busy and not kept up with the sobershere that has been such a support.  Then I found that when close family members are having a really tough time and I can't help, or don't know how to, I lose the plot and drink.  How rubbish is that?
So today is a new day 1, but I feel good being honest about that. I'm not going to stop trying to crack this.
Congrats to all of you who have passed major milestones in the past few weeks. For me it's back to one day at a time.

Learning a lot

What I've learnt:
I have to do this my way.
I'm not a natural blogger but without reading other blogs I wouldn't be where I am now.
I'm not perfect and can't do this perfectly. I have had the occasional drink but feel that the real last time is very near because that is absolutely the goal.  I hate to admit I've had a drink, but realise that a lot of bloggers didn't manage it the first time.
I'm, as Sober Mummy says, an all or nothing kind of person, so I have taken to daily exercise-legs bums and tums, running, HIIT, and pilates is not quite for me.   I need to be moving more.
I have cooked a wider variety of new menus for the family than I ever have, and am eating really well.
I'd rather look at recipes on Pinterest than down a load of wine.
I'm calmer and happier, mostly, but so low that I can't report Day 50 or whatever, because despite being sober for a lot of this year, I have had a few off days.
Maybe I should blog more to get me over this bit. I'm 90% there.  I can see the field of bunnies. I've set foot in it, but at the moment I'm on the wrong side of the fence.  I want a big number of days in my blog. I know how I can get there, I just have to stop hitting the self-destruct button when all is going well.

Being kind to myself

Took yesterday off Mum duty to take stock and re-evaluate.  Looked at my list of successes and thought what else to add to my tool box. Despite the blip I'm feeling positive.

Letting go of the demons

Why do I drink?  A habit out of control.  I need to let go of the past and focus on the future.  This week a relative of mine died, not unexpectedly, but there is a lot of sadness in the family.  This,  plus events from the distant past resurfacing have meant instead of burying things I'm having to deal with a lot of hidden feelings.  And to be honest I drank because I wanted to know what would happen, despite all advice.  Sometimes toddlers touch the hot thing they're not supposed to, just to find out for themselves.
 I feel bad having to write that, but I feel like I'm finally ready to let go of a lot of stuff rather than suppress it, and that includes alcohol.  I am beginning to like myself a bit more.  The day after I drank I was tetchy at work, but I realised it was not from the day after physical effects, but I felt like my brain was working differently.  It was the me that my husband complains about, the angry, short-fused one.  I thought I was like that because of the stress of a hectic life,  but now I can see it was alcohol.
This is very freeing, because I'm not that horrible person, I can be who I want to be, but that means letting go of stuff, just like clearing out clutter.  God I sound like a cliched nutcase.  I thought stopping drinking would be hard, and it is, but in a different way than I thought.  Now I see why yoga helps a lot of people, and now I can see benefits to me from my blog.  It belongs to my new world, a supportive world and I would never have been heading out of darkness without reading all the inspirational blogs out there, so thank you.

The positives

List of things achieved in the last month
Not being hungover
Getting more done
Less feeling of letting the family down by not being on good form
Going to the theatre without drinks being the main event and wondering if you've got time to fit them in,and worrying how will you cope with the journey home.
Face looks calmer and less stressed.
Body feels calmer and less stressed.
Internally calmer at work.
Beginning to get ahead with boring stuff.
Family happier or is that just my percetion?  Oh well, I'll take it.
Regular pilates
Waking up thinking you're hung over and then finding out you're not.
EARLY mornings! I love them!

Goals for February
Keeping going
More aerobic exercise
Not going to bed early every night as it's the easiest thing to do..
Finding a way to enjoy Friday evening without alcohol.  I love Friday evening, but haven't cracked something that beats that cold glass of wine after a hectic day.  Tried all the usuals but my brain is not convinced yet!

Tough times

The week-end was tough. Friday night was not good, and this is now the time when I want to throw in the towel.  I always have extremely busy Fridays at work and so look forward to unwinding with a glass of wine in the evening.  I'm not feeling strong enough to go out anywhere which might make me tempted to drink, and actually like staying in on a Friday night.  I just, as others have pointed out, need to plan ahead.  So that's what I will do.
I love having more time, and like most people lead a hectic life with work and family.  I can easily fill my time with more chores, but haven't yet worked out how to use my time in a more fulfilling manner., especially as I'm still exhausted by the evening.
Small steps.

Trump!

OMG it happened. He's president.
I won't be political.
Greatast point, he doesn't drink alcohol.
The rest, we shall see.
Had a tough and very busy week but am just about hanging in there. Thursday night was tough, so another early night.
It's OK but when will I feel like this is nothing less than boring?

Look after me!

I can't believe I'm on day 10 and no alcohol.  Yesterday and today have probably been the hardest, but I didn't want to have to admit to giving in to temptation.
I've been reading lots of blogs, lots of mind stuff and felt the urge to revisit "The Chimp Paradox" by Dr Steve Peters.  I know it's not for everyone, but it works for me.  The only problem is I can't find the book! Having Marie Kondoed (the de-cluttering one) my house about 18 months ago, I'm surprised I can't find it, but never mind that at the moment.  I found a PDF onlinewhich reminded me of the basic principles. Very briefly Dr Peters talks about three ares of the brain, - you the human , frontal lobe, logical thinking etc, the chimp, limbic system- emotion etc and the computer- storage area for thoughts and behaviours.  Both human and chimp can imput the computer The chimp, like  areal one, is five times stronger than a human, so you need to look after it and nurture it rather than control it, as you can't.  You need to make sure beneficial data is being stored in your computer. I'm not the best at explaining all this, but I understand the idea and
"Your chimp is hi-jacking you if you

• Have unwelcome thought and feelings
• Struggle to live life the way yoou want
• Sabotage your own happiness and success
• Act impulsively and regret it later
• Procrastinate or can't stick at resolutions."

I recognise that person!  So now I have a cute picture of a baby chimp on my study noticeboard that I would never think pouring alcohol into it would be a good idea.  It would be cruel.  It's beginning to stick that the strong, impulsive, sometimes persistent thoughts are just one primitive area of my brain that needs to be calmed by rational thought and processed over and over again.  I'm not fighting myself to stop drinking, I'm convincing myself that it is not my best idea.  It's bloody exhausting, but hey, it's DAY 10!
And I feel like crying like child who wants their own way, because I want a glass of wine and I'm not going to have one.  But it is DAY 10, hurray!
PS Grammar and punctuation police- I know and don't care.  It's been a long day and I'm doing a good thing.

Pilates

I've had a busy couple of days with lots of new things.  Today I went to my first pilates class.  It was very friendly.  There were only two new people.  The instructor asked the other lady her name and whether or not she had done pilates before or not.  Then she turned to me.  To hurry things along I just said, "I'm mynewway and Ihaven't done pilates before.  Anothe lovely lady laughed and said what I was thinking.  "You sound like your saying you're an alcoholic!"  This raised some laughter, so I replied jovially, "Well I am, but that's for a different class!  See, I am letting it all out, but I don't think they were aware how close to the bone this was.
On a more positive note I also put 0 units of alcohol per week on the form in answer to the question about current usage.  No lie there, just don't want to have to change the answer later!
This evening is a bit tough, so writing my blog and looking at some others is keeping me busy.  Another early night is on the cards.

Awakening

Yesterday was a good day.  Tonnes of washing went through the machine (how do teenagers create sooo much), half the kitchen cupboards were cleaned out, read lots of blogs, tried to comment on some, but not all seemed to post, and a lovely walk in the sunshine all before midday.
 The afternoon was less productive and I was exhausted by the evening, but no desire to drink, but took myself off to bed early.
It's freezing cold here this morning, but have been up doing chores from 6.30 and am now heading out for a brisk walk in the frost before working from home for the rest of the morning.
Feeling positive.
 From reading lots of sober blogs it is clear that too many bloggers look after everyone but themselves.  I know that having fought hard to put more balance in my life, at the end of last year, when I, like everyone else was exhausted, I took on others' workloads when they were ill, just to help out.  This meant I took my eye off the ball.  So this year I will be more vigilant.  Nothing will stop me going all out for work, family etc,  but I need to be on my guard and look after myself better.  I've even checked out doable yoga classes.  After seeing how stiff my dear old mum is, it's time to loosen up and regain my spirit!

Looking forward

Well I nearly made it through to 2017.  Christmas was great.  How lovely to enjoy it feeling good!  What a revelation.  I survived family parties and other events.  It was not that hard.  But I did slip up a couple of times.  It was the quiet nights that got me.
  So here I go again.  Wendy (Tipsy no more) is a great advocate of telling everyone and enlisting support.  I've not had the courage to do this, but with it being "Dry January" I have the perfect "excuse".  I'm also going to blog a lot more to keep me focussed  and will reach out for the support of the fabulous sobersphere.
This is going to happen!
Happy New Year.