Not what I was hoping for!

Last Thursday I was more tired than I could imagine.  I know others have written about the unbelievable fatigue of the first few weeks, but that was crazy.  So a 7pm bedtime had to happen.  Friday morning I had a sore throat.  By the afternoon I felt dreadful, but as I was at work, just kept going until I could get home.  Another early night, but Saturday morning I had a high temperature and could hardly get out of bed.
 By Sunday I felt a bit better and took it easyish. I'm hardly ever ill, so this is not usual.  (Amazing how you have to function with a hangover, so this was bad!)
Monday, went to work.  By the end of the day I couldn't get home and in to bed quickly enough with a high temperature etc.  This has knocked me for six, because it is not flu, it's just a cold that usually I would shake off with a couple of painkillers.    Maybe my body just can't do everything at once- detox and fight viruses.
Today I'm feeling a bit better and am trying to have an easy day.  I have been trying to say no to things, but finally my body rather than my mind has said no.
Going forward, mind and body are going to have to work together to say no to alcohol and realise they will both benefit.
I had been hoping for a great weekend, relaxed, full of energy and getting things done.  Maybe next weekend.

Competetive or proud?

I've been doing a lot of thinking the past few days.  I've always thought that I'm quite a competetive person, I like to win.  Not in an obsessive Olympian kind of way, just hard work and success.  
Actually I think I just have a lot of pride.  One of the reasons I haven't been blogging is that I failed, and I hate to admit that to anyone.  I really beat myself up (mentally) if I fail and have a hard time admitting it.  If I dig deeper, and right now is not the time, it's also probably an insecure need to impress, but I'll leave that for a much later date.
So being sober is not a competition.  I nfact here it is being part of a supportive community.  I don't need to compete, I don't have to make anyone proud, but I do gain support, which I hope in time I can do for others.
But I would like to be proud of myself, like today, Day 4 and still sober.  Craving a drink, but about to go for a walk and pretty proud of myself for that small step.
KT

Well that didn't work!

Have manage to lose my blog, so have started again.  Seem to somehow have two copies? Anyway, a bit like my progress towards an AF life.  A bit muddled.  I did well, then I fell.  I did well again, then fell.  In all that time I learnt a lot about myself.   I felt stronger and more positive.  I stopped blogging because I was very busy.  I also realised that I was trying to sound more upbeat than I felt.  It wasn't where I was.  I don't want to write a miserable blog, but this blog is for me, to help me.

So yesterday I drank again and I didn't like it.  I feel awful physically and mentally today.  I have written down how bad it is to remind myself, but am not putting it here, it's too raw.

I'm going to have to add more tools to my toolkit, so I will blog for myself, seek more support and tell more people.  I feel positive that one day it will stick because I've read the journey so many inspirational people have made. I want to be one of them.

KT x