Being kind to myself

Took yesterday off Mum duty to take stock and re-evaluate.  Looked at my list of successes and thought what else to add to my tool box. Despite the blip I'm feeling positive.

Letting go of the demons

Why do I drink?  A habit out of control.  I need to let go of the past and focus on the future.  This week a relative of mine died, not unexpectedly, but there is a lot of sadness in the family.  This,  plus events from the distant past resurfacing have meant instead of burying things I'm having to deal with a lot of hidden feelings.  And to be honest I drank because I wanted to know what would happen, despite all advice.  Sometimes toddlers touch the hot thing they're not supposed to, just to find out for themselves.
 I feel bad having to write that, but I feel like I'm finally ready to let go of a lot of stuff rather than suppress it, and that includes alcohol.  I am beginning to like myself a bit more.  The day after I drank I was tetchy at work, but I realised it was not from the day after physical effects, but I felt like my brain was working differently.  It was the me that my husband complains about, the angry, short-fused one.  I thought I was like that because of the stress of a hectic life,  but now I can see it was alcohol.
This is very freeing, because I'm not that horrible person, I can be who I want to be, but that means letting go of stuff, just like clearing out clutter.  God I sound like a cliched nutcase.  I thought stopping drinking would be hard, and it is, but in a different way than I thought.  Now I see why yoga helps a lot of people, and now I can see benefits to me from my blog.  It belongs to my new world, a supportive world and I would never have been heading out of darkness without reading all the inspirational blogs out there, so thank you.

The positives

List of things achieved in the last month
Not being hungover
Getting more done
Less feeling of letting the family down by not being on good form
Going to the theatre without drinks being the main event and wondering if you've got time to fit them in,and worrying how will you cope with the journey home.
Face looks calmer and less stressed.
Body feels calmer and less stressed.
Internally calmer at work.
Beginning to get ahead with boring stuff.
Family happier or is that just my percetion?  Oh well, I'll take it.
Regular pilates
Waking up thinking you're hung over and then finding out you're not.
EARLY mornings! I love them!

Goals for February
Keeping going
More aerobic exercise
Not going to bed early every night as it's the easiest thing to do..
Finding a way to enjoy Friday evening without alcohol.  I love Friday evening, but haven't cracked something that beats that cold glass of wine after a hectic day.  Tried all the usuals but my brain is not convinced yet!

Tough times

The week-end was tough. Friday night was not good, and this is now the time when I want to throw in the towel.  I always have extremely busy Fridays at work and so look forward to unwinding with a glass of wine in the evening.  I'm not feeling strong enough to go out anywhere which might make me tempted to drink, and actually like staying in on a Friday night.  I just, as others have pointed out, need to plan ahead.  So that's what I will do.
I love having more time, and like most people lead a hectic life with work and family.  I can easily fill my time with more chores, but haven't yet worked out how to use my time in a more fulfilling manner., especially as I'm still exhausted by the evening.
Small steps.

Trump!

OMG it happened. He's president.
I won't be political.
Greatast point, he doesn't drink alcohol.
The rest, we shall see.
Had a tough and very busy week but am just about hanging in there. Thursday night was tough, so another early night.
It's OK but when will I feel like this is nothing less than boring?

Look after me!

I can't believe I'm on day 10 and no alcohol.  Yesterday and today have probably been the hardest, but I didn't want to have to admit to giving in to temptation.
I've been reading lots of blogs, lots of mind stuff and felt the urge to revisit "The Chimp Paradox" by Dr Steve Peters.  I know it's not for everyone, but it works for me.  The only problem is I can't find the book! Having Marie Kondoed (the de-cluttering one) my house about 18 months ago, I'm surprised I can't find it, but never mind that at the moment.  I found a PDF onlinewhich reminded me of the basic principles. Very briefly Dr Peters talks about three ares of the brain, - you the human , frontal lobe, logical thinking etc, the chimp, limbic system- emotion etc and the computer- storage area for thoughts and behaviours.  Both human and chimp can imput the computer The chimp, like  areal one, is five times stronger than a human, so you need to look after it and nurture it rather than control it, as you can't.  You need to make sure beneficial data is being stored in your computer. I'm not the best at explaining all this, but I understand the idea and
"Your chimp is hi-jacking you if you

• Have unwelcome thought and feelings
• Struggle to live life the way yoou want
• Sabotage your own happiness and success
• Act impulsively and regret it later
• Procrastinate or can't stick at resolutions."

I recognise that person!  So now I have a cute picture of a baby chimp on my study noticeboard that I would never think pouring alcohol into it would be a good idea.  It would be cruel.  It's beginning to stick that the strong, impulsive, sometimes persistent thoughts are just one primitive area of my brain that needs to be calmed by rational thought and processed over and over again.  I'm not fighting myself to stop drinking, I'm convincing myself that it is not my best idea.  It's bloody exhausting, but hey, it's DAY 10!
And I feel like crying like child who wants their own way, because I want a glass of wine and I'm not going to have one.  But it is DAY 10, hurray!
PS Grammar and punctuation police- I know and don't care.  It's been a long day and I'm doing a good thing.

Pilates

I've had a busy couple of days with lots of new things.  Today I went to my first pilates class.  It was very friendly.  There were only two new people.  The instructor asked the other lady her name and whether or not she had done pilates before or not.  Then she turned to me.  To hurry things along I just said, "I'm mynewway and Ihaven't done pilates before.  Anothe lovely lady laughed and said what I was thinking.  "You sound like your saying you're an alcoholic!"  This raised some laughter, so I replied jovially, "Well I am, but that's for a different class!  See, I am letting it all out, but I don't think they were aware how close to the bone this was.
On a more positive note I also put 0 units of alcohol per week on the form in answer to the question about current usage.  No lie there, just don't want to have to change the answer later!
This evening is a bit tough, so writing my blog and looking at some others is keeping me busy.  Another early night is on the cards.