Still here

Yes I had a slip but back with renewed optimism. Read Annie Grace. So good! I am looking at this in a different light already.

Day 10

Still here. A busy few days but ok.

Day 5

Had more energy today and got a lot of things done that needed doing!  Early to bed tonight.

Day 4

Got through day 3 which is my usual downfall. Felt so tired this morning but these early days will be tiring. On the plus side have had a very productive morning at work. For some reason I m feeling quite down but positive that I will be ok today...with a bit of willpower!

Day 3

Got through yesterday quite easily.Got a lot done but not too much. One of my triggers is being too busy so self care is necessary.  Having a fairly easy day today. Day 3 can be hard so an early night will be in order.

Day 2

I did so well last year but the year life got in the way in so many ways. Feeling low and vulnerable and low in energy. Not like my previous attempts but maybe that is what is different. I have the exterior of juggling all the balls of life and don't open up to anyone other than n a superficial level and it's beginning to fall fall apart.  So have to do this. Will blog and look for support.

Day 4

Suffering with a cold but getting back on track. Last time I did this I wanted 

Comments but this time I m happy to be accountable to myself.

Day 3

All good apart from a cold.

Back again.

Did really well for a long time but then life got in the way and hit a bump in the road. Ready to start again so here goes. Things were so much better!

Day 38

That's a happy number.  I have blogged in my head all the way through, but never quite know what I want to write.  Briefly, yes, life is better.  I have been absolutely exhausted and have only begun to feel like not falling asleep at 8pm in the last few days.  I have been very productive in the mornings.  More of the benefits in a future blog.  But with a slight lifting of the exhaustion have been the biggest cravings and feelings of caving in.  I'm still here though!  Well done me!
My present Oscar acceptance speech starts with:
"I have to thank Seedlip and Fevertree tonic, without whom undoubtedly I wouldn't be here..."
(Just for the record, unfortunately my day job doesn't qualify me for an Oscar, so the black dress is still in the cupboard).

Feeling better

Feeling a lot more positive today, but quite fragile.  Got a lot done.  The evening is definitely the hardest part.  I'm tired, but how do I unwind when I feel this tired but can't go to bed outrageously early!

Back again

So, I had success, I had failure.  Life got in the way and my last attempt didn't last.  I'm still not comfortable blogging, and it seemed like everyone else was succeeding.
I'm giving it all another go.  I'm scared, feeling down and alone in my quest.  Seeing the determination of  other bloggers when they've hit a hurdle has given me the will to try again, so here goes.

Day 9

Can't believe it's day 9!  Feel absolutely exhausted, even first thing in the morning.  Had to go to bed ridiculously  early last night.  It's a bit like flu without the fever.  Hopefully this will pass soon.  Onwards and upwards.

Day 6

Still here. Had planned to blog every day, but life is busy and I'm exhausted by the evening.  So I'm getting in early today.  Went for a family meal on Friday night.  I didnt drink, but felt fidgety and tired.
The sun's up.  I've got a lot to do to day, but drinking alcohol is not part of it.

Day 3

I would have caved last night if I hadn't restarted my blog, but being accountable stopped me.  At lunchtime, out of nowhere, my mind looked forward to an evening drink.  Had to supress that feeling hard.  In the evening went for a walk and got back late enough to decide that an early bed was what I needed.
Didn't sleep well and felt exhausted and not great this morning, but forced myself up. Went for a walk in the sunshine. Heard a woodpecker and felt a cool breeze on my skin.  Oh so happy not to have had a drink last night!
I heard an interview this morning with the footballer Tony Adams, who had a well-documented struggle with alcohol, but has now been sober for 21 years.  The interviewer asked him if it was still hard if he went out with friends to dinner if they were having wine.  Of course it was not, it was different now.  To me this brought up the widely held view that giving up alcohol will be a daily battle for the rest of your life.  I'm happy to know from the blogs that I read, that it is tough, but in time the rewards will outweigh the cravings.
Staying strong on day 3

Day 2

Nothing earth-shattering to report, just a strong resolve (not those hangover medications, the other type) to get back on track. Exercise programme sorted and green smoothie as I type this. Feeling better already!

Day 1

So it all went pear-shaped. I was doing well, being strong when things were tough. I've been super busy and not kept up with the sobershere that has been such a support.  Then I found that when close family members are having a really tough time and I can't help, or don't know how to, I lose the plot and drink.  How rubbish is that?
So today is a new day 1, but I feel good being honest about that. I'm not going to stop trying to crack this.
Congrats to all of you who have passed major milestones in the past few weeks. For me it's back to one day at a time.

Learning a lot

What I've learnt:
I have to do this my way.
I'm not a natural blogger but without reading other blogs I wouldn't be where I am now.
I'm not perfect and can't do this perfectly. I have had the occasional drink but feel that the real last time is very near because that is absolutely the goal.  I hate to admit I've had a drink, but realise that a lot of bloggers didn't manage it the first time.
I'm, as Sober Mummy says, an all or nothing kind of person, so I have taken to daily exercise-legs bums and tums, running, HIIT, and pilates is not quite for me.   I need to be moving more.
I have cooked a wider variety of new menus for the family than I ever have, and am eating really well.
I'd rather look at recipes on Pinterest than down a load of wine.
I'm calmer and happier, mostly, but so low that I can't report Day 50 or whatever, because despite being sober for a lot of this year, I have had a few off days.
Maybe I should blog more to get me over this bit. I'm 90% there.  I can see the field of bunnies. I've set foot in it, but at the moment I'm on the wrong side of the fence.  I want a big number of days in my blog. I know how I can get there, I just have to stop hitting the self-destruct button when all is going well.

Being kind to myself

Took yesterday off Mum duty to take stock and re-evaluate.  Looked at my list of successes and thought what else to add to my tool box. Despite the blip I'm feeling positive.

Letting go of the demons

Why do I drink?  A habit out of control.  I need to let go of the past and focus on the future.  This week a relative of mine died, not unexpectedly, but there is a lot of sadness in the family.  This,  plus events from the distant past resurfacing have meant instead of burying things I'm having to deal with a lot of hidden feelings.  And to be honest I drank because I wanted to know what would happen, despite all advice.  Sometimes toddlers touch the hot thing they're not supposed to, just to find out for themselves.
 I feel bad having to write that, but I feel like I'm finally ready to let go of a lot of stuff rather than suppress it, and that includes alcohol.  I am beginning to like myself a bit more.  The day after I drank I was tetchy at work, but I realised it was not from the day after physical effects, but I felt like my brain was working differently.  It was the me that my husband complains about, the angry, short-fused one.  I thought I was like that because of the stress of a hectic life,  but now I can see it was alcohol.
This is very freeing, because I'm not that horrible person, I can be who I want to be, but that means letting go of stuff, just like clearing out clutter.  God I sound like a cliched nutcase.  I thought stopping drinking would be hard, and it is, but in a different way than I thought.  Now I see why yoga helps a lot of people, and now I can see benefits to me from my blog.  It belongs to my new world, a supportive world and I would never have been heading out of darkness without reading all the inspirational blogs out there, so thank you.